Len

‘Dad’s never been happier than since he found out about doomscrolling.’

‘“Let’s give the children power of attorney,” you said. “It’ll be better in the long run,” you said.’

‘No it’s not the prison, it’s the council offices. They insist everything is done online these days.’

‘Hi, it’s Cinderella – can you put me through to pest control.’

‘OK, I’ve pressed Ctrl, Alt and Delete but it hasn’t made any difference.’

‘Dad’s always been a strong supporter of inclusivity... he hates everyone, equally.’

‘Hello, Police? I’d like to report an idiot using their phone while driving.’

‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Geoffrey! You should be getting a signal by now.’

‘How ridiculous – now they’re saying our appliances might be spying on us.’

‘I need a tent, emergency rations, a sleeping bag... and anything else you would recommend for an airport departure lounge.’

‘Marketing reckons we should be using TikTok – can you do a sexy little dance for 15 seconds?’

‘You know the saying… if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.’

‘I suppose it was just a question of time...there’s now an Olivia Colman channel.’

‘The reason used to be “because it’s there”. Now it’s to be seen to be there.’

‘Hurry up, kids — Springwatch is on. You’re missing all the cute animals.’

‘Apologies for the delay — your newspaper is now only available online, so I took the liberty of printing it out.’

‘I’m dreading Christmas. Now that lockdown’s relaxed I’ll have to see the bloody grandkids.’